For my final project, I wanted to bring together a bunch of different ideas that I personally find beauty in while other would not. My idea generation method was to word vomit all my thoughts onto as page. At first, I was thinking about how society decides what is ugly and what is beautiful. I remembered a study that showed babies aren’t naturally afraid of snakes and that it’s actually a learned fear. That made me think about how much of what we label as “ugly” or “scary” comes from what we’re taught. From there, my thoughts went to the beauty standards women are held to and how restrictive they are. I also thought about death, and the influence religion has, and how people will sometimes view it as ugly or frightening, but to me I think it can also be very beautiful. That led me to think of Lilith, who is said to be Adam’s first wife in the Garden of Eden. When Adam wanted her to be subservient, she refused, and was cast out of Eden. From there she became Satans wife. I believe that Lilith’s beauty has been demonized because it’s untamed, self-defined, raw, and powerful and it doesn’t exist to please men. All of that led me to the idea of bringing these connections together with symbols. A goat skull for Satan, a snake for Lilith, and a black widow spider to represent powerful women.

My intention with this piece was to mix all of my chaotic thoughts into one and show beauty in things that are often feared or misunderstood. I believe that “beauty” and “ugliness” are also things people fear and misunderstand. At first, I was frustrated because I tried too hard to copy my reference photos exactly, especially the snake. Eventually I let go of trying to make it perfect and instead focused on the emotion and meaning behind what I was drawing. My lines are messy, and my snake in the background might not be very obvious, but I know she’s there, I know what she represents, and I know the thoughts and emotion I put into it. Because of that, I do feel like I reached my goal. My piece might look messy, chaotic, and imperfect, but that’s exactly what makes it beautiful to me. It reflects my thoughts and intentions more than just technical skill.

For this drawing, some of my inspiration actually came from some photographs I had taken for a photography assignment. In a previous class, I photographed my pet black widow on a goat skull, and I also had photos of my pet snake that helped me create this piece. I was also inspired by the artist Diane Victor, because of how much I loved the dark, haunting quality in her work created with smoke. I tried to capture that same haunting feeling by using more charcoal. I rubbed my fingers over the darkest parts of my piece and used it almost like finger paint to spread shadows and create texture throughout the drawing. 

This course has definitely helped me grow as an artist and the way i think about beauty and art. At first, I thought my drawings needed to look realistic or perfect in order to be considered good. Now, especially after this final project, I realize that beauty doesn’t have to come from neatness or clarity. For me, it comes from the process itself and from the ideas and emotions built into the work. I’ve realized that what makes my art meaningful is that it reflects my messy and chaotic thoughts, and to me there’s something beautiful in that. 

Over this course I’ve grown by learning how to let go of perfection and allow my art to be raw and emotional. At the beginning, I put a lot of pressure on myself to make my drawings exact, but now I feel more confident letting them be “messy.” My art feels more personal now, and I don’t worry as much about whether other people will understand it or think it’s “good.” I see my drawing style as chaotic, but I’ve realized that’s part of what makes it unique and mine. I think differently about drawing now because I see it less as copying something perfectly and more as expressing my own thoughts and emotions through art.